APOCALYPSE WATCH 2012

“There have been about 514 Leap Years since Caesar created it in 45BC. Without the extra day every 4 years, today would be July 28, 2013. Also, the Mayan calendar did not account for leap year…so technically the world should have ended 7 months ago.”

Wed, 07 Mar 2012 10:17:54 +1000

Hmmm…

NASA Maps Giant Crack in Antarctica

Mon, 05 Mar 2012 09:11:50 +1000

Last time I saw a crack that big, my uncle was bending over at Christmas! HEYOOOOO!

Seriously though, we’re probably all going to die.

I’d just like to point out that the movie The Day After Tomorrow starts with giant cracks appearing in Antarctica. And do you know what happened next? A terrible movie. This year could be a terrible movie, but in reality.

Terror From the Deep

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 22:36:57 +1000

Something is killing sea giants.

Last week, a twelve metre whale shark was found floating dead off Pakistan. A few days later a much larger sperm whale drifted ashore in Belgium. Now sure, you might say, that’s pretty sad, but should I really expect that some other, much larger creature is killing these animals in some sort of territorial dispute, which will inevitably lead to it waging war on the surface world?

Well YES, you SHOULD, because that’s called BEING PREPARED.

But not only that; I know two instances doesn’t really make a trend. But how about another case of a baleen whale washing ashore on Malaysia? Or an orca washing ashore at Long Beach, the third time that’s happened recently?

Something is killing large marine animals. It’s big enough that it can take on whale sharks and sperm whales, its territory spans most of the world’s oceans, and it’s quick enough to travel between those places in a matter of days. I think we all know what’s the cause of this.

He’s just biding his time until December.

This is localised at the moment, but how long until white,...

Tue, 07 Feb 2012 21:25:00 +1000

This is localised at the moment, but how long until white, fluffy death-storms are sweeping the globe?

This seemed relevant.

Thu, 02 Feb 2012 23:49:00 +1000

This seemed relevant.

Asteroid Nearly Hits Earth

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 14:53:00 +1000

Asteroid Nearly Hits Earth:

Presumably it was somehow thwarted by a rag-tag group of disparate individuals who had to overcome their differences to save the world.

This thing passed within 60,000 km of earth. That may sound like a long way off, but it’s less than a fifth of the distance to the moon. In astronomical terms, it brushed past our ear.

Sure, so called “experts” in “Astronomy” say it was in no danger of hitting us, but what if it was just a practice run for later in the year? The black force of apocalyptic destiny must have to warm up its throwing arm.

Huge Solar Storm Hits Earth

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 23:10:00 +1000

Huge Solar Storm Hits Earth:

Every once in a while, the Sun just vomits up huge plumes of molten plasma and radiation. Enormous plumes. So big they could swallow the earth.

The result is a massive stream of particles which interfere with radio and other telecommunications, and just generally make things unpleasant. They also cause the Northern Lights, in a sort of cosmic “sorry!” note left under the wiper of a badly dinged car in a parking lot.

Could this latest eruption be merely the precursor to a chain of solar activity that could sear the very face of the planet off? Or could it be slightly lower in intensity, merely knocking out all global communications and plunging us into a new dark age? I can’t see any other possibility here.

The Sky Makes Apocalyptic Noises At People

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 01:59:00 +1000

The Sky Makes Apocalyptic Noises At People:

Okay, so this one might be some RPG for an upcoming movie. But if it’s not… then it’s probably an RPG for an upcoming video game.

Even so. Creepy.

Doomsday Clock One Minute Closer to "Midnight"

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 13:32:00 +1000

Doomsday Clock One Minute Closer to "Midnight":

“Midnight” of course being “fiery armaggedon”

I like to imagine that if there ever was a nuclear war, as the bombs fell, these guys would make the time to go to the physical clock and solemnly move its hands to the midnight position. As the bright flashes burned away everything except their shadow, their final act would be to look at one another with the ultimate “I told you so” look on their faces.

Which does make me wonder though- what would happen if they just went in and moved the hands back to, like quarter-past 10? Would everyone instantly regress to an age of harmony? Or, in the terrifying opposite scenario, what if someone moved the hands to midnight, as a joke? “Mr President, the doomsday clock says it’s two minutes past midnight. We’re late for the apocalypse.”

Hundreds of dead fish appear, then disappear on Norwegian beach

Sun, 08 Jan 2012 21:39:00 +1000

Hundreds of dead fish appear, then disappear on Norwegian beach:

This would probably have made the site even if hundreds of fish had just washed up on a beach. I mean, what do they know that we don’t? Obviously a mass hysteria has gripped them, leaving them with no other option than mass suicide.

It’s the only possible explanation.

But the thing about this story that smells… fishy (I’m so sorry) is the fact that these fish have then disappeared again without a trace. Sure, “official” sources say it was probably natural wave action washing them out to sea again, but then, they would say that, wouldn’t they?

Hundreds of dead birds fall from the sky over a small town

Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:01:00 +1000

Hundreds of dead birds fall from the sky over a small town:

…for the second year in a row.

I mean, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, be prepared to get tasered while I climb into my hermetically sealed survival pod.

This was Probably Godzilla Hitting "Snooze"

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 18:59:00 +1000

This was Probably Godzilla Hitting "Snooze":

Of course it starts in Japan. Of course it does.

Sure, you might say, Japan is naturally earthquake-prone. But have you considered the possibility that a giant radioactive monster is stirring underneath the country? Of course you haven’t. No one does. Until it’s too late.

The Final Countdown

Tue, 03 Jan 2012 18:57:00 +1000

I am writing this from my secure bunker, deep beneath a non-descript suburban home in an undisclosed location. I don’t want to publicise my location. Can’t be too careful. Hence the bunker.

You might have heard about this Mayan Calendar thingy that’s been counting down for hundreds and hundreds of years. Well this year, the clock runs out. On the 21st of December 2012, that calendar runs out of numbers. And then the world ends. I saw a documentary about it. I figured better safe than sorry, so I’m prepared; safe underground with everything I could want or need. Except human companionship, but I’m sure the ladies will start flocking once the fire starts falling from the sky.

You may have seen some people saying that the Mayan calendar probably doesn’t signify the end of the world, but my father always said “Son, people will always try to trick you. Also, I took your lunch money for beer. Dance for your friends again, see if they’ll throw coins at you.”

Anyway, I do want to warn people, but my last three attempts to get the message out had me punched, tasered and bitten by a dog respectively, so I think I’m going to do it online from now on.